STAR INVESTIGATION: BIASED TORY POLL DISCOVERED!
With all the criticism the Canadian public opinion polling industry's been getting lately(read some of it here: http://bit.ly/e22wbL), it's important to note that all the polls seem to be unanimous in sending one message to Canadians: Stephen Harper's Conservatives are well ahead and within striking distance of a majority in the upcoming election.
How can this be, you ask? How can such a travesty happen in Canada? Well, we at the totally unbiased Star believe it's got to be biased polling. And sure enough, The Toronto Star has obtained a copy of a script for an internal Conservative telephone survey. The bias might be somewhat subtle and understated, but we believe it's definitely there. Have a look:
ONSERVATIVE CONCEPTS
Interview Script
Question 1
I am going to read you some statements about Conservative Leader Stephen Harper. Please tell me which ones you think are true.
1. Stephen Harper would be a great guy to have a beer with.
2. Stephen Harper is the best leader Canada has ever had.
3. Stephen Harper can solve all the world's problems.
4. Stephen Harper is the messiah.
5. Stephen Harper is a passionate sex machine.
6. All of the above
Question 2
Now, I'm going to read you some statements about Liberal Leader Michael Ignatieff. Please tell me which ones you think are true.
1. If you offered Michael Ignatieff a beer, he would say: "I have never seen this frothy, amber beverage before. Please take it back and give me brandy in a snifter."
2. Michael Ignatieff is an elitist university professor who once advocated putting people without university degrees in concentration camps..
3. Michael Ignatieff is the spawn of Satan who wishes to destroy Canada.
4. If you offered up your baby for Ignatieff to kiss, he would wrap it in pig intestines and cast it into a pit of hungry hyenas.
5. Michael Ignatieff is embarrassed by his small genitals.
6. All of the above
Question 3
Which party do you think would do the best job of handling the economy?
1. The Conservatives
2. The party Stephen Harper leads
3. The party that isn't the Liberals, NDP or Bloc Quebecois
4. The one that begins with a "C."
Question 4
I'm am going to read you some words and you tell me the ones you most closely
associate with Stephen Harper.
1. Brilliant
2. Genius
3. Unbeatable
4. Sexy
5. Charismatic
Question 5
Now I'm going to read you some words and I want you to tell me which ones you most closely associate with NDP Leader Jack Layton.
1. Moron
2. Dufus
3. Nutcase
4. Communist
5. Criminal
Question 6
Now I'm going to read you the first half of a sentence and I will then read you four alternate endings. Please choose the one you think fits best. OK ... are you ready? Here comes the first sentence:
It would be really great if Stephen Harper's Conservervatives won a majority, because:
1. ... abortion would be illegal, the death penalty would return and gays would be put in their place once and for all.
2. ... all our problems would immediately be solved and we'd all be rich.
3. ... we wouldn't ever have to have another silly and costly election ever again, thank god.
And now for the next sentence:
It would be really awful if a constitutionally illegitimate coalition of socialists and Quebec separatists led by the evil Michael Ignatieff were to take power, because ...
1. ... Canada would immediately become a Communist dictatorship.
2. ... our incomes would be taxed at a rate of 100% and the GST would be raised to 200%
3. ... our children would be taken from us and put in national residential daycare gulags.
Question 7
Which of the four major parties would be most likely to make Canada an unliveable wasteland?
1. Liberals
2. NDP
3. Bloc Quebecois
Question 8
I am going to read you four statements about Stephen Harper. Please tell me which most closely approximates how you feel about him.
1. Since he's been Prime Minister, I feel like he's working to solve Canada's problems.
2. Since he's been Prime Minister, I have been optimistic about Canada's economic prospects
3. Since he's been Prime Minister, I have been searching for the DVD version of the movie of his life so I can watch it over and over again. When's it coming out?
4. Since he's been Prime Minister, I have been dreaming about administering oral sex to him.
Question 9
And finally, if the federal election were being held tomorrow, which party would you vote for?
1. Conservatives
2. Not the Liberals, NDP or Bloc
3. The party that isn't led by Michael Ignatieff, Jack Layton or Gilles Duceppe
4. The party that is led by the man that will save Canada, Stephen Harper
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