21st Century Schizoidman

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON CONSERVATISM

GARY GOODYEAR'S SCIENCE & TECHNOLOGY JOURNAL

By Gary Goodyear/Minister of State for Science & Technology

Hello again to all my faithful Conservative friends in the research community.   

 I want to devote this edition of my journal to a question that's been troubling this canny ole chiropractor for some time now. Just who is smarter, anyway? Good God-fearing Conservatives, or all those Liberal atheists out there who want to corrupt the childen of Canada with the theory of evolution and all that claptrap? 

Could it possibly be a coincidence that with a federal election campaign underway, some unscrupulous liberal weisenheimers are coming out with more research suggesting that liberals are more highly-evolved, inherently smarter and more open to complexity than those of us of a more - shall we say -  right-wing bent? 

   Here's the latest story on that to come out, this time on ctv.ca: http://bit.ly/eu3RUL

    And here's another example of similar research published by National Geographic several days
ago: http://bit.ly/bF3yWd

    Interesting that according to these studies  liberals' brains are structured to deal with complexity, while conservatives' grey matter seems more suited to processing fear.

   Hmmm. You'd think you'd see this kinda hooey on some sorta CBC show like - what's it called, The Nature Of Thingamajig? Y'know the one with that enviro-terrorist named after a Japanese automobile -- that Suzuki guy? 

   But no, it's our good friends at CTV and those usually wonderful National Geographic folks. How in heck do you figure that? Why I remember as a kid I saw my first picture of naked breasts in a National Geographic. It was these candid photos of a tribe in New Guinea. Well, that was all the sex ed I ever needed. No need for it in the schools when you got National Geographic in the home. None of that dirty girly magazine stuff, just good wholesome educational fun.

 But I digress.  Let's look at MRI's of the two types of brains to see what the differences are.

    First the liberal brain.

    OK, so yeah, the liberal cerebral cortex has complex, well-defined folds. Even I can see the abundance of healthy neurons firing complicated, nuanced political calculations back and forth across the hemispheres of the brain.

    You gotta admit the liberal brain is highly-evolved, sophisticated and well-designed for high levels of political analysis.

    Indeed, this could be the brain of a Trudeau, an Ignatieff, perhaps even a Layton supporter. 

    It may even be that of a Green Party acolyte. But folks, do you see a single, god-fearing cell in there. Sure they're cunning and calculating and they got high-falutin' American and British educations like that Ignatieff son-of-a-you-know-what. But let me tell ya, they are just too smart for their own good, that's what I say.

 

 Now for the conservative brain.

  OK, so maybe we're not that smart. Maybe we don't have as much of the ole gray matter to work with. But land sakes alive, we're good people! We're church-goin', law-abidin'(except for Bruce Carson), Conservative Party of Canada-votin' people! 

  So look. I might not be the smartest chiropractor there ever was, but I'll tell ya one thing I AM smart enough to do. Soon as we win that majority next month - and yer darned-tootin' we will - I'm gonna de-fund these folks who are puttin' out this hogwash. So folks, you're on notice. We Conservatives are big on science and technology, as long as you can invent stuff to get that ole tar sands oil to market quicker. But if you want to fiddle-faddle around with all this evolution stuff, go to Ignatieff's alma mater down at Harvard for the funding, ok?

 Until next month,

  Happy researching

HEADGEAR ON THE HUSTINGS - A HISTORY

    Forget about scandals, botched policy announcements, slips of the tongue in front of  live microphones and poor debate performances. There's nothing more damaging for a politician on the campaign trail than looking like an idiot in a photograph.

    And somehow, the most damaging photos always seem to involve headgear. Remember the infamous Michael Dukakis tank helmet of 1988? Y'know, the one that practically delivered the presidency to George Herbert Walker Bush on a silver - er - helmet? Read about it here: http://bit.ly/3vVb1C

Or how about the hairnet Bloc Quebecois Leader Gille Duceppe was forced to wear on a visit to a cheese factory during the 1977 federal election? That alone probably set the cause of Quebec sovereignty back a generation. Here's a look back courtesy of the CBC Archives: http://bit.ly/hsoBHM

So forget about contempt of Parliament, the "in-and-out" election financing scam,  Afghan detainees, progogation, the ballooning pricetag for the F-35 fighter jet contract, and the mounting embarrassment over Bruce Carter's criminal record. If Stephen Harper loses this election, posterity will put it down to this:

 But of course, you should never underestimate a man who can still get elected after wearing this:

POLLS ARE BULLSHIT(ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE LOSING)

                     

STAR INVESTIGATION: BIASED TORY POLL DISCOVERED!  

With all the criticism the Canadian public opinion polling industry's been getting lately(read some of it here: http://bit.ly/e22wbL), it's important to note that all the polls seem to be unanimous in sending one message to Canadians: Stephen Harper's Conservatives are well ahead and within striking distance of a majority in the upcoming election.

   How can this be, you ask? How can such a travesty happen in Canada? Well, we at the totally unbiased Star believe it's got to be biased polling. And sure enough, The Toronto Star has obtained a copy of a script for an internal Conservative telephone survey. The bias might be somewhat subtle and understated, but we believe it's definitely there. Have a look:

 

 

   ONSERVATIVE   CONCEPTS 

 Interview Script

   Question 1

   I am going to read you some statements about Conservative Leader Stephen Harper. Please tell me which ones you think are true.

   1. Stephen Harper would be a great guy to have a beer with.

   2. Stephen Harper is the best leader Canada has ever had.

   3. Stephen Harper can solve all the world's problems.

   4. Stephen Harper is the messiah.

   5. Stephen Harper is a passionate sex machine.

   6. All of the above

 Question 2

 Now, I'm going to read you some statements about Liberal Leader Michael Ignatieff. Please tell me which ones you think are true.

 1. If you offered Michael Ignatieff a beer, he would say: "I have never seen this frothy, amber beverage before. Please take it back and give me brandy in a snifter."

 2. Michael Ignatieff is an elitist university professor who once advocated putting people without university degrees in concentration camps..

 3. Michael Ignatieff is the spawn of Satan who wishes to destroy Canada.

 4. If you offered up your baby for Ignatieff to kiss, he would wrap it in pig intestines and cast it into a pit of hungry hyenas.

 5.  Michael Ignatieff is embarrassed by his small genitals.

 6. All of the above

 Question 3

 Which party do you think would do the best job of handling the economy?

   1. The Conservatives

  2. The party Stephen Harper leads

  3. The party that isn't the Liberals, NDP or Bloc Quebecois

  4. The one that begins with a "C." 

  Question 4

   I'm am going to read you some words and you tell me the ones you most closely
associate with Stephen Harper.

  1. Brilliant

  2. Genius

  3. Unbeatable

  4. Sexy

  5. Charismatic

  Question 5

  Now I'm going to read you some words and I want you to tell me which ones you most closely associate with NDP Leader Jack Layton.

 1. Moron

 2. Dufus

 3. Nutcase

 4. Communist

 5. Criminal

  Question 6

  Now I'm going to read you the first half of a sentence and I will then read you four alternate endings. Please choose the one you think fits best. OK ... are you ready? Here comes the first sentence:

  It would be really great if Stephen Harper's Conservervatives won a majority, because:

  1. ... abortion would be illegal, the death penalty would return and gays would be put in their place once and for all.

  2. ... all our problems would immediately be solved and we'd all be rich.

  3. ... we wouldn't ever have to have another silly and costly election ever again, thank god.

And now for the next sentence:

It would be really awful if a constitutionally illegitimate coalition of socialists and Quebec separatists led by the evil Michael Ignatieff were to take power, because ...

  1. ... Canada would immediately become a Communist dictatorship.

  2. ... our incomes would be taxed at a rate of 100% and the GST would be raised to 200%

 3. ... our children would be taken from us and put in national residential daycare gulags.

  Question 7

  Which of the four major parties would be most likely to make Canada an unliveable wasteland?

   1. Liberals

   2. NDP

   3. Bloc Quebecois

Question 8

 I am going to read you four statements about Stephen Harper. Please tell me which most closely approximates how you feel about him.

 1. Since he's been Prime Minister, I feel like he's working to solve Canada's problems.

 2. Since he's been Prime Minister, I have been optimistic about Canada's economic prospects

 3. Since he's been Prime Minister, I have been searching for the DVD version of the movie of his life so I can watch it over and over again. When's it coming out?

 4. Since he's been Prime Minister, I have been dreaming about administering oral sex to him.

 Question 9

 And finally, if the federal election were being held tomorrow, which party would you vote for?

 1. Conservatives

 2. Not the Liberals, NDP or Bloc

 3. The party that isn't led by Michael Ignatieff, Jack Layton or Gilles Duceppe

 4. The party that is led by the man that will save Canada, Stephen Harper