FROM THE DESK OF: NHL COMMISSIONER GARY BETTMAN
Dear NHL General Managers,
Hello and welcome to the rabid hockey hotbed of Boca Raton, Florida - the perfect spot for an NHL meeting, not to mention the next National Hockey League expansion franchise.
Gentlemen, I think it's time for a little conversation. What is it NHL coaches call it - a pep talk? I know it's very thin ice you fine fellows are skating on, and that the job I'm giving you is a tough one. But rest assured I have confidence in every one of you and I know you're up to the task.
So, what is the task I've given you as you gather for your annual meeting?
Well, gentlemen, it's convincing the hockey world we're doing something about headshots - and the concussions that go with them - without making it illegal for the players to punch each other repeatedly in the face until they fall down.
That's right, gentlemen. You heard me. Our market research has confirmed it. What's the casual American sports fan doing right now? Well, he's busy watching two guys beat each other senseless in an Ultimate Fighting match. So, if we're going to sell our magnificent sport to him we'll have to encourage our fine young athletes to do the same: punch each other until their faces are a bloody pulp.
I know this will be a tall order given the outrage Canadian fans are now feeling about Boston defenceman Zdeno Chara's devastating blindside check to the head of Montreal Canadien Max Pacioretty - a check that put Pacioretty in the hospital with a concussion and a broken vertebra. See the replay here:
But your job is to do just enough to make sure we cut down on concussion-causing plays like that, WITHOUT losing concussion-causing fights like this:
Did you see that? Pretty neat, huh?
Now there are those who say that I, Gary Bettman, know nothing about hockey. They say I wouldn't know a hockey puck from hamburger patty. But, my friends, I do know a knockout punch to the jaw when I see one. And I also know enough to recognize that a punch like that makes a whole lot of knuckledragging fans very happy.
And that's what I want see more of, gentlemen. So, how about this? We keep blindside hits to the head illegal, while keeping non-blindside hits legal. After all, isn't the phrase "non-blindside hit"really just another euphemism for "a punch to the face?"
So, in closing, gentlemen, please forget what those pansies in international hockey are doing. Forget that they've banned all headshots from the shoulders up from any angle. And forget all the whining and bleating from Canadian fans who say they're tired of all the violence, as reported in the latest opinion poll here: http://bit.ly/g6HzFv
None of that matters to the NHL Board of Governors. What matters is all those male fans - aged 18 to 45 - watching those two guys pounding the shit out of each other in that mixed martial arts ring on ESPN, as they swill their beer and devour their nachos.
Gentlemen, every moment they spend watching mixed martial arts is a moment they're not watching hockey, so let's get down to work and get those fists flying.
Warmest Regards,
Gary Bettman
Commissioner of the NHL
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