21st Century Schizoidman

CANADA ACCORDING TO BBC WORLD

 BBC World apologizes for its egregiously inaccurate reporting on the recent political situation in Canada. Read an account of one of our online articles here: http://bit.ly/dUsXBp

  By way of explanation, we at BBC World find Canada a terribly baffling country to cover, being as it's so bloody cold and empty and nothing much of interest ever happens there. Therefore, we really can't find much time to pay any attention to it, not when there's so much other compelling news to report, such as the frightfully exciting municipal elections in Moldova and a very suspenseful constitutional convention in Swaziland.

At any rate, we do regret these damnable errors and promise they shall not be repeated. Here is the corrected story:

GOV'T OF OBSCURE NORTHERN COUNTRY FALLS

Ottawa - A largely empty expanse of  tundra at the northern end of North America finds itself  suddenly without a government today.

 The country, a former collection of British colonies referred to by its inhabitants as Canada, lost its government after a sudden winter storm.

 Reports out of its chilly Arctic capital, Ottawa, say the storm cut down on the visibility of the parliament buildings, preventing members of the minority ruling Harper Party from showing up to work. They were then branded as contemptuous and - in the ancient traditions of the country's majority Eskimo population -  banished to the open tundra to die.

 This, of course, in Canada's pale imitation of Britain's Mother-of-all-Parliaments, means an election must be called immediately for early May - presuming, of course, that by then the weather will have warmed up enough for Canadians to come out of their igloos and vote.

Prime Minister Harper - pictured here with his wife - was forced to go to the Canadian governor-general, who acts as an agent for British MP George Galloway in Canada, and ask permission to dissolve his government.

 The election promises to be a typically dreary Canadian affair, after which nothing much will change and Canada will go back to being the world's least interesting country ... after Belgium.

A DIRTY, DIRTY, DIRTY ELECTION

    A LIMITED TIME OFFER!!!

      Andre's Anti-Election Mudslinging Steambath & Exfoliation Treatment

 

    Hello, I'm Andre, owner of Andre's Election Day Spa, just down the street from Parliament Hill. 

    Are you feeling a little dirty right now?

     I don't mean sexy dirty. I mean filthy dirty. Grease-in-the-hair, mud-under-the-fingernails, grunge-in-yer-face dirty.

      Well, if the answer is yes, it might be because a federal election campaign just got underway in Canada, after a no-confidence vote in Parliament. Read about it here: http://bit.ly/gjNpth

       Yep, it's going to be a dirty, dirty, dirty campaign aimed at dragging everyone down into the mud. One with lots of filthy attack ads, grimy accusations of corruption and wrongdoing, and a shitload of smelly lies and half-truths aimed at personally smearing candidates.

    Here's one example from those veterans of political assassination, the Harper Conservatives:   

Of course, the Liberals are no slouches at smearing their opponents, either:

 

  So, what do you do when political campaigns make you feel dirty?

  Well, when it's all over, come to our spa for a cleansing bath. We'll steam that foul-smelling filth off your body in no time. We'll ex-foliate all the lies, and ad hominem attacks out of your pores, and wash those lying, duplicitous political hacks out of your hair. I guarantee you'll feel rejuvenated and ready to face the world all over again.

Of course, knowing the depths of muck Canadian politics is sinking into these days, we're sure you'll be back soon for another treatment. See you then.

 Oh, and by the way, don't forget to vote.

 All the Best,

 Andre

OBAMA DRIBBLES WHILE LIBYA BURNS

 COMMUNIQUE FROM THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

 

 

Dear Muammar,

  This is just a personal note to let you know that, in spite of what my critics say, I'm am very interested in what's going on in Libya right now. My critics may chide me for being far too preoccupied with the NCAA basketball tournament to keep my eye on you, but rest assured, Muammar, I can tear myself away from ESPN long enough to make sure the Libyan rebels are victorious, and you are deposed.

  Wait a minute,  maybe not deposed. I haven't entirely decided on that detail yet.

   Probably won't get around to figuring that out until after North Carolina plays the Marquette Golden Eagles Friday night. I suggest you watch it if you can get it on satellite, Muammar. I figure the Tar Heels take it, but Marquette's plucky ... good Chicago-area school. (Well, Milwaukee, actually ... but it's all part of Chicagoland these days!)

  Now, if you're still unsure of my ability to pick a winner, Muammar, I suggest you look at the state of my bracket heading into the Sweet Sixteen : http://stlouis.sbnation.com/2011/3/22/2065051/obama-bracket-update-sweet-sixteen

   Yessiree, I have been criticized for being far too conservative in my March Madness deliberations - just as I have in dealing with the financial industry. But wouldn't you know it ...  aside from the fact my southwest region prognostications were off the mark, my picks are still just about perfect!

   Goddamned shame about Pitt being out of the tournament, though.  But I mean, who woulda thought a bunch of nobodies like Butler woulda knocked them out? Would never have happened if that dumbass Gilbert Brown had made that second free-throw at the end there. But what happens? He rims it out! What an idiot! I mean, I had never even heard of Butler University 'til that game. Had you?

   But that's neither here nor there, Muammar. Look at the rest of my Final Four choices: Ohio State,  Duke and Kansas are still alive and kickin', bruthah!

   Which is more than I can say for you, once we knock out all your air defences it'll be a slam dunk for the allies.  I figure you should just throw in the towel now, before I hand the supervision of the allied no-fly zone over to NATO. (That should just about coincide with the Final Four, I think. Great, I'll have time to watch all the games!)

    Actually, Muammar, that gives me an idea. Rather than forcing you from power, why don't you fly over to Washington? We'll put you up in the White House and I'll challenge you to some 1 on 1. I win, you step down. You win, I persuade the rebels to surrender peacefully.

   Now, I figure after having ruled Libya with an iron fist for over 40 years, you've got some pretty high mileage on those legs of yours, so I'll spot you 10 points. First one to 21 wins.  

   By the way, wanna bet on Friday night's game? I got the Tar Heels by a bucket!

   Regards,

   Barack

 

HARPER VS. IGNATIEF: THE ANSWERS

Here, as promised are the answers to the quiz in my last post.

1. Harper

2. Harper

3. Ignatieff

4. Harper

5. Ignatieff

6. Harper

7. Ignatieff

8. Harper

9. Ignatieff

10. Ignatieff

I admit I pulled a fast one by taking a lot of the Harper quotes from when he was opposition leader. Interesting how he spoke a lot about accountability, integrity and co-operation then. Hmmm, ever wonder what happens to politicians once they gain power?

And of course, Ignatieff's quote about pre-emptive war was taken from the early 2000's, well before he joined the Liberals and "recanted" his post-9/11 pro-torture stance and his pro-invasion views on Iraq.

IGNATIEFF VS. HARPER: WHO'S WHO?

  All right. I know. This isn't an original concept. The Guardian did it a while ago with Charlie Sheen and Muammar Gadhafi, and a surprising number of people couldn't tell the quotations of the two raving lunatics apart..

   So, I thought it might be interesting, with a federal election looking more and more likely here in Canada, to see whether Canadians can actually tell the leaders of the two main parties apart.   After all, both of them keep telling voters there couldn't be two more starkly different politicians.

   So let's put that to the test, shall we? Here are 10 quotations from our Conservative Prime Minister and our Liberal Leader of the Opposition. See if you can guess - without cheating - who said what, and give me your answers in the Comments section. I'll give you the correct responses in my next post.

 

1. “And I think the real problem that we're facing already is that the government doesn't accept that it got a minority.”

2. “If you want to be a government in a minority Parliament, you have to work with other people.”

3. “Canadians want a country. They don't want a community of communities. I'm committed to the national unity of the country.”

4.“Accountability is what ordinary Canadians, working Canadians, those people who pay their bills, pay their taxes, expect from their political leaders.”

5. "There's a financial cost, but the only costs that are ever real are the costs of our soldiers."

6.“When a government starts trying to cancel dissent or avoid dissent is frankly when it’s rapidly
losing its moral authority to govern.”

7."I admire and respect American institutions.”

8. “We can win because it is time for a change, time to move forward, time to get beyond the scandals and investigations and corruption.”

9. "There's a way in which these guys all think absolutely media, day and night. Access is what it's all about, so they spin 24 hours a day and that's a problem."

10. "To defeat evil, we may have to traffic in evils: indefinite detention of suspects, coercive interrogations, targeted assassinations, even pre-emptive war."

THE NHL'S HEADSHOT HEADSCRATCHER

   FROM THE DESK OF: NHL COMMISSIONER GARY BETTMAN  

  Dear NHL General Managers,

    Hello and welcome to the rabid hockey hotbed of Boca Raton, Florida - the perfect spot for an NHL meeting, not to mention the next National Hockey League expansion franchise.

    Gentlemen, I think it's time for a little conversation. What is it NHL coaches call it - a pep talk? I know it's very thin ice you fine fellows are skating on, and that the job I'm giving you is a tough one. But rest assured I have confidence in every one of you and I know you're up to the task.

     So, what is the task I've given you as you gather for your annual meeting?

     Well, gentlemen, it's convincing the hockey world we're doing something about headshots - and the concussions that go with them -  without making it illegal for the players to punch each other repeatedly in the face until they fall down.

      That's right, gentlemen. You heard me. Our market research has confirmed it. What's the casual American sports fan doing right now? Well, he's busy watching two guys beat each other senseless in an Ultimate Fighting match. So, if we're going to sell our magnificent sport to him we'll have to encourage our fine young athletes to do the same: punch each other until their faces are a bloody pulp. 

      I know this will be a tall order given the outrage Canadian fans are now feeling about Boston defenceman Zdeno Chara's devastating blindside check to the head of Montreal Canadien Max Pacioretty - a check that put Pacioretty in the hospital with a concussion and a broken vertebra. See the replay here:   

But your job is to do just enough to make sure we cut down on concussion-causing plays like that, WITHOUT losing concussion-causing fights like this:

  Did you see that? Pretty neat, huh?

  Now there are those who say that I, Gary Bettman, know nothing about hockey. They say I wouldn't know a hockey puck from hamburger patty.  But, my friends, I do know a knockout punch to the jaw when I see one. And I also know enough to recognize that a punch like that makes a whole lot of knuckledragging fans very happy. 

And that's what I want see more of, gentlemen. So, how about this? We keep blindside hits to the head illegal, while keeping non-blindside hits legal. After all, isn't the phrase "non-blindside hit"really just another euphemism for "a punch to the face?" 

 So, in closing, gentlemen, please forget what those pansies in international hockey are doing. Forget that they've banned all headshots from the shoulders up from any angle.  And forget all the whining and bleating from Canadian fans who say they're tired of all the violence, as reported in the latest opinion poll here: http://bit.ly/g6HzFv

 None of that matters to the NHL Board of Governors. What matters is all those male fans - aged 18 to 45 - watching those two guys pounding the shit out of each other in that mixed martial arts ring on ESPN, as they swill their beer and devour their nachos.

 Gentlemen, every moment they spend watching mixed martial arts is a moment they're not watching hockey, so let's get down to work and get those fists flying.

  Warmest Regards,

   Gary Bettman

   Commissioner of the NHL

RICHARD FLORIDA'S COMPUTER SAYS IT'S SORRY

 

 

 

RICHARD FLORIDA'S COMPUTER'S BLOG

March 13, 2050

Hi, I'm Richard Florida. And I just thought I'd say I'm sorry. 

Remember back in the early 2000's when I yammered on and on and on about "the Creative Class?" And how "knowledge-based workers" were going to inherit the earth and make lots of money "manipulating symbols?" And how if your city could only attract enough of the Creative Class, it was going to be a really awesome and cool and successful place to live? 

Well, I want to say sorry to all of you who listened to me when I said the blue-collar trades and manufacturing jobs would all disappear. I want to apologize to all of you who took my advice and went on to train as lawyers, stockbrokers, investment bankers, doctors, software engineers, animators, artists, architects, etc.

I want to say sorry to all of you who thought you were going to buy really awesome downtown lofts in New York and London and L.A. and Toronto and decorate them with really awesome art.  All of you who thought you were going to spend all your spare time sipping lattes at really cool cafes, and at concerts and art gallery openings. All of you who thought you were going to meet other hot, young creative professionals and settle down and have lots of little creative professional kids and live long, rich happy creative professional lives in great creative cities built just for you by other creative professionals.

Yes, I'm sorry. Because it all turned out to be a bunch of crap. Yes, all of it. All of you living in the mid-21st  Century are now out of work, and on the streets, and couldn't afford a latte if your lives depended on it. And it's all my fault.

What led to this sorry state of affairs? Why did I get it all so wrong? Well, it could have been prevented if  I had just read this one article: http://nyti.ms/gmpSCK

And if you go even further back to the turn of the century - so many decades ago now - to 2003, you see the whole fallacy exposed in this study: http://bit.ly/f5hPGz

Yes, I thought your jobs couldn't be automated. I thought your jobs couldn't be "offshored." But I was wrong. 

Way back in the early 21st Century, computers started putting you all on the unemployment lines by doing the work of lawyers, and of medical diagnosticians. As time went on, computers started putting together business deals and designing buildings, and writing software, and finally they started designing better and more efficient computers than humans could. And any of your jobs computers and robots couldn't do were sent offshore to cheaper countries where the work could be done more cheaply.

 

 But there were jobs computers and robots couldn't do. Nobody could come up with a decent robot housekeeper or plumber or crane operator or janitor or even a robot escort. And now, it's those professionals who are buying the lofts, and attending the wine and cheese soirees, and living the high life in downtown London, New York, L.A. and Toronto.

 You may be asking how I, Richard Florida, avoided the wreckage and am doing so well, unlike all you other poor professionals. Well, always being one to spot a cool trend, around 2020 I impressed my considerable intellect and personality onto a computer software program.

 And now, I'm no longer the fallible human Richard Florida, but the all-knowing, very prescient computer Richard Florida. Read my next book entitled The Coming of the Plumber Class, coming to an e-reader near you.

A VISIT TO HARPAWA

  

Friday March 7th, 2031 

TRIP TO CANADA A REMINDER OF THE BAD OLD DAYS OF LIBYA

By Ahmad Al-Shaheen 

 Harpawa, Canada - It was an audience decades in the making.

  For years, I attempted to secure an interview with the world's longest reigning strongman, and for years I failed. But finally, on a frigid day in February of this year, 2031, I received the momentous word. Canada's Leader-For-Life, Stephen Harper, would deign to speak to me in the ornate, gothic halls of Harper Palace, once known as the Parliament Buildings. 

    As I approached Harper Hill, I could not believe my good fortune. Yes, even as my breath froze into tiny ice crystals and fell to the ground with a little tinkling sound in front of me, I felt a great warmth inside. Praise Allah, I whispered to myself as I approached the great luminous beacon of the Leader-For-Life's head at the  top of what Canadians used to refer to as the Peace Tower. After all, wasn't I about to speak with the man who turned Canada from a respected - if oft-ignored - western democracy into the most autocratic dictatorship on earth?!

 The former prime minister's welcoming smile at the top of the Steve Tower certainly was at variance with his fearsome reputation. Indeed, even before his megalomania started to surface back in 2011, the year he decreed that the Canadian government should thenceforth be known as the Harper Government, he was noted for his angry, bullying nature. It is a reputation that harkens back to the dark days in our own country when Gadhafi reigned supreme. You remember those times, of course ... before Libya put aside its barbaric ways, underwent a revolution and became a paragon of representative democracy.

 But the Harper who finally received me in his Throne Room, seemed as happy as the big fat head on the tower above us. His smile positively glowed - even through the obvious plastic surgery, the botox and meticulously dyed and coiffed hair. "Hello and welcome to Harpawa," he boomed. "Meet my cat. His name is Little Stephen Harper. I'm grooming him as my successor. After all, at my age you can't leave these things to chance."

 "So, when you finally go, you're entrusting the great country of Canada to a cat?" I asked as he proffered the little animal for me to pet. I had a hard time hiding my incredulity. Sadly, it is a fault of mine and very dangerous around dictators. But thankfully, Harper didn't seem to notice.

 "My children are all dead," he said chuckling. "Don't you remember I had to execute them all for treason? And then my wife left me for another woman, so I had to have her killed, too. Little Stevie here is the only Harper left I can trust. He'll be the standard-bearer for the future."

 Yes, I had almost forgotten the atrocity stories. The long forced march of half the country's population into the far north. That was a policy designed to assert the country's sovereignty over what is now called "the Canadian Harptic." So many died on that march. So many Liberal and NDP voters who were denied the mukluks and parkas that surely would have sustained them, froze to death in the cold of Nunavut. 

  Then there was the dismantling of medicare and the welfare state, the reinstatement of capital punishment for all who opposed corporate tax cuts and money for hockey arenas in Quebec City. And let us not forget the teaching in the schools of creationism - that pernicious doctrine that posits that dinosaurs walked the earth at exactly the same time as Stockwell Day. 

   "Leader-For-Life Harper," I asked, "You have instituted so many draconian policies. Why have the people never risen up against you?" 

   "The Canadian people rise up against me? You've gotta be kidding. The only way my beloved fellow Canadians would ever do that is if I abolished beer, hockey and weekends," he said.

   Just as I was turning to leave, he shouted after me, "By the way, speaking of hockey, I'm thinking of changing the name of our national sport. I thought of 'harpy' but that's got a lot of negative connotations. What about 'stevey? Y'know, like Stevey Night In Canada.?' Jeez, why didn't I think of that before??"

   As I walked back into the cutting wind of the Harpawa winter, I turned to a very frightened looking Harper aide. "Did this all start back when he finally won his majority," I asked.

   "Majority?," he said quizzically. "The Leader-For-Life never won a majority. He still hasn't got one." 

   It was then, my esteemed readers, that I despaired for the future of Canada.  Praise be to Allah that Libya was saved from a similar fate.