PAUL THE OCTOPUS: OF MOLLUSCS AND MANDATES

FROM THE DESK OF MICHAEL IGNATIEFF

LEADER OF THE LIBERAL PARTY OF CANADA

 Just a note to all those Nervous Nellies out there in  my caucus who are all bent out of shape about our plummetting fortunes in the last EKOS PolI. See results here: http://bit.ly/bYT5Mk+

    I know there are many of you out there with your knives out, poised to stab me in the back and toss my corpse out with the garbage. Especially now that our Conservative friends across the floor are making noises again about a fall election.

Well, my message to you ladies and gentlemen is: fear not. I have it on good authority that, contrary to what the pollsters are prognosticating, I will win - ahem, that is, WE will win - the next election. Yes, that is right, you heard me. WE - THE LIBERALS - WILL WIN THE NEXT ELECTION. 

     Now, you may all be asking how I can be so confident about this. Well, unlike you, I am a cosmopolitan citizen of the world, who has been keeping a close eye on happenings outside the borders of our peaceable little kingdom.

   I noticed the uncanny accuracy with which Paul the Octopus has been prognosticating the outcomes of World Cup soccer matches this month. Especially the outcome of the final, where he correctly predicted the Spanish would win!! Congratulations to all our Spanish-speaking potential Liberal voters, by the way. (I must twit that on my Tweeter account) See Paul here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zi9BKcJHhnE&NR=1

 So, on my way back from my triumphant visit to China, where I learned a lot about democracy and human rights (See an account of a particularly brilliant speech I made here: http://www.thestar.com/news/world/article/832234--ignatieff-gets-warm-reception-from-chinese-students?bn=1BEIJING) I went to the aquarium where he lives in Oberhausen, Germany and asked him who will come out on top in the next mano-a-mano clash between Prime Minister Stephen Harper and me. And after about 170 tries - plus a patient lecture from me about my policy on Quebec's recognition as a nation within Canada -  here was the answer we were hoping for:

 Now, no-one predicted the kind of thrashing Germany administered to England and Argentina. But Paul did. So, I strongly suggest before mounting a caucus putsch against me, you take heed of his electoral forecasting talents.

 I also invite you to consider this. Democracy is a terribly flawed system. As my royal Russian forbears always said, elections are expensive, bothersome, and terribly divisive. I think we would all be better off if we just left the job of choosing our leaders to Paul. After all, this fine upstanding creature certainly did a fine job in choosing me!

 One other note before I close. We could be in for a rough ride in Canada-US relations come 2012. Here is another prediction Paul made while I was in Oberhausen.

 Hmmm. Looks like I'll be elected Prime Minister just in time to manage this contentious file. It could also be the subject of my next book. Aliteration worked well for Blood And Belonging, so how about this for a title: MOLLUSCS AND MANDATES: Michael Ignatieff, Sarah Palin And Their Rise To Power. I like it. And so will you.

 My sincerest regards,

                                                                        Iggy.

                                                                             

Comments

[Norm Beach]

President Palin? Oh malevolent mollusc! what thou giveth with one arm thou takest with the other - I'm begining to think maybe you should be turned into calamari, after all.
Norm
p.s. great piece, Emmett!