21st Century Schizoidman

BLACK BLOC: CANADA'S LATEST SPORTING FAILURE

   

 Well, it's happened again.

Again, Canada has been reduced to a laughing-stock on the world stage. Again, we've proved we simply don't measure up against international competition.

  It's bad enough that we Canadians have been on the outside looking in for much of this past month, as the rest of the world competes in the 2010 FIFA World Cup Of Soccer in South Africa. After all, it's no secret our national soccer team isn't good enough to beat anyone for a spot in the tournament, not even tiny Honduras.

  But now, with the eyes of the world upon us this past weekend, Canadian athletes in yet another sport have proved they're not qualified to compete at the highest level. What sport are we talking about? Black Bloc. See the a bleak international assessment of our performance here: http://news.nationalpost.com/2010/06/28/g20-how-the-world-sees-toronto-in-the-wake-of-900-arrests-blazing-police-cars/

  With the G20 summit held in Toronto in front of the world's international media, this was a golden opportunity for Canada's top black bloc boys to shine. All the conditions were right for them to strike a blow for our unique brand of Canuck anarchy and mayhem.

Think of it! Tens of thousands of anti-G20 protesters to mingle with and hide behind; the dense downtown core of a mammoth city as their playing field; a face-off against a multi-million dollar police presence with large numbers, but precious little experience in the sport.

 Now, we ask you? With a lucky draw like that, what better chance to vault us into international prominence and really make the folks at the Federation of International Black Bloc Associations(FIBBA)sit up and take notice?

  Sure, they started out well. Skulking in behind a large labour demonstration on University Avenue, then slipping into their black garb, the lads pulled out their street weapons and staged a technically perfect breakout onto Queen Street West. It was classic stuff right off of a coach's chalkboard.

  They smashed windows as they went with reasonable skill and enthusiasm. We've even got to admit, dousing a Canadian Broadcasting Corporation reporter with a noxious mixture of urine, honey and vinegar showed a dash of creativity even the top-notch German and Dutch black bloccers would've been proud of.

  But let's face it. No matter how the bureaucrats and apologists at Black Bloc Canada try to spin it, our lads blew it in the latter stages of the game. They simply couldn't sustain the momentum they'd built up in that opening burst of vandalism.

 In the end, the damage they caused to international companies like American Apparel and Starbucks was negligible, measured in the hundreds of thousands rather than millions of dollars. Then, they got penalized for accidentally smearing excrement on a mom-and-pop shop, instead of a massive multi-national chainstore. A rookie mistake, sure, but a critical error at the international level.

Admittedly, they nearly pulled the game out of the fire with the clutch torching of three Toronto Police cruisers. See the action here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I-h-YIj4jRw

    But in the end, it simply wasn't enough.

  By the time the final buzzer sounded, the property damage they'd caused paled in comparison to the legendary Battle Of Seattle and the G20 Summit in London last year, where at least one person was killed.    And what's more, they didn't even get within sight of the security fence protecting the G20 leaders.

You could tell it simply wasn't enough to turn the heads of the jaded international reporters at the G20 media centre. They soon turned their attention away from the plucky but amateurish efforts of our boys to a World Cup soccer match.

So, now the questions begin. What went wrong? Are Canadians simply too polite and too nice for this sport? Is the fact that we recruited the team primarily from Quebec a problem? Were they simply not patriotic enough to do the Maple Leaf proud? Are we simply not pouring enough money, coaching and technical support into our team?

With yet another opportunity to qualify for the next FIBBA World Cup squandered, those issues will dog the brain trust at Black Bloc Canada for years to come. Let's hope they come up with some answers for the sake of Canada's sporting image worldwide.

 

 

THE G20: 36 HOURS IN TORONTO

      It's a pity more American tourists don't choose Toronto as a must-see destination. Recently, I spent a weekend there for Conde Nast Traveler, and I found Canada's largest city utterly entrancing. Now take it from a veteran travel writer: I'm sure you will love Toronto, too, if you only give it a chance.

 If you're an event organizer, you should know that Toronto has aggressively sold itself as a great place to hold a convention. When I arrived I learned that something called the G20 Summit - whatever that may be - was in town, and many high-profile people were attending. I was certainly impressed that Toronto was carrying it off with a minimum of disruption and fuss.

Soon after I arrived, I took a tour through the downtown core and found it every bit as vibrant as Torontonians assured me it would be. See my video tour here: http://www.theglobeandmail.com/video/take-a-spin-through-ghost-town-to/article1618491/

Yes, as you just saw,  it was absolutely teeming with activity and full of pedestrian traffic. At first, I found it a little disconcerting that everyone was dressed in blue flak jackets, and armed with nightsticks with riot-police helmets hitched to their belts.. But I was assured that it was only a local fashion craze labelled "police-state chic." I'm sure it's a look that will filter south once US travelers get a look at it.

 Now, fashion arouses a lot of passion in T.O. As the weekend wore on I learned not all Torontonians dress this way, and sometimes these different sartorial styles ... well, they sort of clash in more ways than one. People who dress down to go downtown often get into heated confrontations with the police-state chic set. See a video example here: http://www.thestar.com/videozone/828878--tense-moments-during-g20-protest

    I strongly suggest when one of these arguments breaks out, you retreat to one of Toronto's delightful sidewalk cafes, order a capuccino from one of the skillful local baristas and watch the free entertainment from a distance. Believe me, it's even more entertaining than a hockey fight!

 Another charming feature of Toronto is that many people still get around the downtown core on horseback. And touchingly, they show great consideration for their magnificent steeds, kitting them out in special visors to protect their eyes. Be careful, though, they can get quite skittish in crowds.

  Now, Toronto boasts a wealth of tourist attractions, such as the world's longest street, the soaring CN Tower and the world's first retractable-roofed stadium, the Rogers Centre(both of which were inexplicably closed when I was there, along with all the theatres and museums). But the most amazing attraction I saw was the world's longest and most expensive chain-link and concrete security fence.  It snakes all around the downtown core like the Great Wall of China. And the best thing about it is that unlike the CN Tower, admission is free ... if you have the proper ID, of course. But if you take your kids to see it, make sure to tell them to keep their hands off ... that razor wire is awfully sharp!!!

  So, take a weekend trip to Toronto and see why its proud citizens call it The Centre Of The Universe. You might get clubbed over the head by an over-zealous cop, but you won't be sorry!

IT'S A WOMAN'S WORLD(eventually)

FATHERS DAY 2063  

or THE YEAR 100 A.F.(After Friedan)

   Welcome to any city, anywhere in the North American Union circa 2063, where everyone is celebrating the contribution of fathers to 21st Century life. Everyone, that is, except three AmeriCanadian fathers in the sprawling mega-city-state known as Torontoland.  Their names are Ed, Fred, and Ted, and they're talking a century after the establishment of feminism when women are in charge of just about everyhting, and a little more than half a century after the publication of the Atlantic Monthly article, The End Of Men. Read it here: http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2010/07/the-end-of-men/8135

  Let's listen in as Ed, Fred and Ted sit in Ed's kitchen, having a little chat over coffee, and some delightful brownies Ted has brought over.

  ED: Gee, thanks guys for coming over. It took forever to get the kids to settle down. Of course, I can't expect much help from Cheryl these days. She's out playing poker with the girls again tonight. Fourth night this week.

  FRED: Those brownies look delicious, Ted, but I'll just have a sliver. They go right to my waistline and thighs these days, and you know Cynthia practically has a coronary if I start gaining weight. And God help me if she sees a gray hair!

  TED: Where is Cyn tonight?

  FRED: (Sigh) Working late again on a case, she says. Probably chasing the office boy around her desk is more like it. Y'know, when I went to college, my dad told me try to land a doctor or a lawyer. "She'll make lots of money and she'll take care of you and the kids financially," he said. But what good is that if she's never around, and I'm left alone to raise the kids and run the household while she screws everything that moves?

  ED: And then, of course, they stumble in drunk at some ungodly hour and expect you to be waiting at the door in a pair of shorty-shorts, with a pitcher of martinis and a hard-on.

  TED: Then, when you're too tired to get it up, they roar at you: "I MAKE THE MONEY AROUND HERE. IT'S MY HOUSE. WHAT KIND OF HOUSE-HUSBAND DENIES HIS WIFE SEX AFTER SHE COMES HOME FROM A HARD DAY'S WORK????" Then, they hog the remote for the holovision and watch Ultimate Fighting all night.

  ED: Wow, is that what Eva sounds like when she's drunk?

  TED: Yep, that's Eva after an evening out power-drinking with the gals after they seal a big financial deal. She's taken to calling herself a Mistress of the Universe, and grousing about how a Mistress of the Universe shouldn't have to come home to an impotent sap of a house-husband. 

  FRED: Jeepers, that's rough, Ted. I'm sorry. But y'know, it IS a woman's world. They're in charge. Cynthia phoned the doctor the other day and basically brow-beat her until she put me on some sort of turbo-charged version of Viagra. I'm taking it, because I don't want to lose her to some young office-boy. Sigh. It's always been the way of the world.

 ED: Gee, I was an office-boy once. That's how I landed Cheryl. She dumped her previous house-husband for me. So, I suppose I shouldn't complain. But I would've liked to do something more than just go to secretarial college, you know?

 TED: Yup, I know what you mean. I just took liberal arts courses in college because I knew they didn't want a man going to medical or law school. Guess I was just there trying to find a wife who would take care of me. And then Eva came along.

 ED: You know, Fred. What you just said about women being in charge and it being the way of the world. What if there WERE real equality between men and women? What if I could tell my son he can do whatever my daughter can do? Shouldn't we fight for that? Wouldn't it be a better world?

 FRED: Yes, we certainly have more intuition, more sensitivity.

 TED: It'd be a more caring world.

 ED: If we men had more power our sons wouldn't be going to war, that's for sure! There'd be negotiations, not battles!!! 

 FRED: Sounds like a pipe-dream to me. Pie in the sky. Pass me a brownie and pour me another cup of coffee while I go change the laundry.

THE COKE20 SUMMIT

  Dear Mr.     Prime Minister:

   It is with great disappointment that we read today of your decision not to enter into any corporate partnerships that would help defray the considerable costs of the G8 and G20 summits next week. See the Globe And Mail story here: http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/world/g8-g20/news/ottawa-steered-clear-of-corporate-sponsorships-for-g8-g20/article1608401/

   We here at Coca Cola Ltd. have read with interest that the cost of holding these two very important summits in Huntsville, Ontario and Toronto is now topping $1.2 billion, or if you prefer, $2 million a minute for the duration of the meetings. 

  We assume this figure includes the cost of construction for the so-called "fake lake" at Toronto's Metro Convention Centre. This in a country with the largest number of lakes on the planet, and with one of the largest lakes in the world - Lake Ontario - sitting less than a kilometre south of the centre. Not to mention the costs of turning downtown Toronto into an armed camp.

   So, we're writing in the hope that you will reconsider your decision and weigh an offer from us to become the sole corporate sponsor of the G20 Summit in Toronto. For the naming rights to the summit - henceforth it would be dubbed the Coca Cola G20 Summit - we are offering $250 million. That would, of course, necessitate the inclusion of our corporate symbol in the G20 Toronto logo. Have a look at the rough mock-up we have enclosed.

   Now, we aren't ruling out the possibility that you might want us to be much more visible partners than that. So, we are prepared to offer $500 million for the right to replace the CN Tower in the G20 logo with a stylized skyscraper Coca Cola bottle. We would also require that you, as chair of the summit, mention our product in your opening remarks. Something like "I declare the Coca Cola G20 Summit open. And leaders, please avail yourselves of the cold, refreshing bottle of coke we've provided for you at your desk. There's plenty more where that came from ... After all, it is the Real Thing."

   Of course, Coca Cola is prepared to defray the ENTIRE cost of the summit, if you are willing to make us even more visible than that. For $1.2 billion we would demand that the meeting be dubbed the Coke20 Summit. In addition to greatly expanding our presence in the logo, we would also require that you, as chair, dress yourself for all official summit-related functions in one of our special "Coke Can suits." Of course, that would include the final group photo. Now, don't worry. The costume's a lot more comfortable than it looks, and you may keep it free of charge after the summit's over!

   In closing, Mr. Prime Minister, we believe Coca Cola Ltd. is the best corporate sponsor the summit could possibly have. After all, what other product is so visible and universally loved? We have a dominant presence in all G20 markets, and are recognizable everywhere.

  We look forward to your response, and the opportunity to work with you and your government in making the world a better place, not only for corporations, but for the people who own them.

   Warmest Regards,

   Muhtar Kent

   President & CEO, Coca Cola Ltd.

  

BARACK OBAMA: I PITY DA FOOL!!!!

President Obama has found a new adviser  tonight in the wake of criticism that he's not getting angry enough at BP and it's handling of the Gulf Oil Spill. Here's their latest exchange on twitter.     BarackObamaThis BP oil spill thing is getting tiresome. Why don't people listen to me and clean this thing up? I am the president, after all. 24 hours ago on twitterberry     mr_t_facts Cuz u gotta get deep soul muthafuckah angry, Mista Prez. Not prissy whiteman angry like you been gettin, fool! 23 hours ago on the web     BarackObamaThank you for the advice, Mr. T. Please expound on the fundamentals of this "deep soul anger" you speak of. 22 hours ago on twitterberry mr_t_facts expound my black ass, Mista Prez. Stop talkin' wif yo' white mama's mouth and start hittin' dem BP sumbitches wif yo' black daddy's fists!!! 20 hours ago on tweetdeck BarackObamaOh, Mr. T. Violence is never the answer(except in Afghanistan). But I did say "kick ass" on TV 17 hours ago on the web mr_t_facts Mista Prez, you gotta do more than SAY kick ass. You gotta cover BP in crude oil, set it on fire, drown it in the bathtub, THEN kick its goddamned ass! 13 hours ago on Ubertwitter BarackObamaSo, what you're saying is, I have to be more decisive and direct in my language.11 hours ago on the web mr_t_facts No, Mista Prez. Mr. T. says be a righteous angry black man for once, and give them BP assholes a crude oil enema  8 hours go on tweetdeck     mr_t_facts Now repeat after me - I pity da fool ...!!!! 8 hours ago on tweetdeck     BarackObamaYes, I certainly am feeling pity for those fools. 7 hours ago on the web    mr_t_facts No, that ain't right. It's I PITY DA FOOL ... !!!!! I think it's time I came and kicked me some presidential ass right now, muthahfuckah! I PITY YOU, FOOL!! 6 hours ago on tweetdeck

HELEN THOMAS: EVERYONE GET THE HELL OUT!!!!

   THE HELEN THOMAS BLOG

  Helen Thomas's thoughts on politics, both National and International

   Hey! Yeah, this means you ... Im only gonna say this once.

   I feel the need to clarify my remarks from the other day about how the Israelis should get the hell out of Palestine and go back to Germany and to Poland and to America.. Read all about it here: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/06/07/AR2010060701966.html

  Watch and listen to my comments here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aeqb8h0I-Bg

   I didn't mean it. It didn't come out right. I misspoke myself. Christ Almighty, can't an 89-year-old woman misspeak herself every so bloody often? Jesus!!! If all the presidents I've covered can misspeak themselves, then so can I, goddamnit!! Jeez, you would think Bill Clinton never misspoke himself, or something.

   In the interests of being a fair and objective reporter, what I meant to say was that EVERYBODY should get the hell out of Palestine. That's right. You heard me. Everyone. That includes the Jews AND the Palestinians. All of you ... CLEAR THE HELL OUT!!! Thats the only way we are gonna put a stop to all this shit!!! Empty out the entire Middle East, I say!!!!

   Fact is, you're all interlopers. The Philistines were there before the whole goddamned lot of you, and if there were any Philistines left I'd say "Palestine for the Philistines!"

   Wait a minute. The Philistines invaded Palestine from Crete and Greece. So, if there were any Philistines left I'd tell the whole damned lot of them to get lost, too. You hear me, Philistines??? Fuck right off and go back to Greece where you all came from, and leave Palestine to the Canaanites.

    OK, so now that leaves America. As far as I am concerned everybody who is not a real American can goddamned well clear out, too. And you know what that means. Everybody pack your fuckin bags and get the hell out, except the Indians. And I dont mean Indians from India. They can all screw off, too. I mean the real Indians. That means the Redskins.No, no , no!! Not the Washington Redskins ... the REAL Redskins. You know! The ones that dance around fires and scalp people. Jesus Christ!!!!

   So, that means every Limey, Paddy, Kraut, Chinaman, Frog, Wop, Spic, Russky and Darkie has gotta go back where he came from. Next time I show up here all I wanna see is a buncha Tontos living in teepees and smokin heap big peacepipes.

   OK, wait a minute. I just read that the Indians came from somewhere else, too. Seems they crossed the land bridge that is now the Bering Strait about 20 thousand goddamned years ago. Bloody hell!!! That means to hell with the whole damned lot of you!!! Get the hell out!!!

   Oh, and by the way, all you Israelis I told to go back to America. You gotta pack your shit back up and go back to ... er,  hey wait a minute ...

   Look, why dont we just forget the whole thing. Just give me my job back and no-one gets hurt.

  

THE NAABP: A MANIFESTO

    Dear Ms. Lorenzana,

I couldn't help but notice all the media stories about your plight over the past few days, and I felt I had to write to you to let you know that you are not alone.

I've read all the accounts of your firing from Citibank in New York  due to your excessive sexiness, attractiveness, and just-plain-insane hotness, and I am outraged. Read the Toronto Star account here. http://origin-www.thestar.topscms.com/news/world/article/819400--citibank-worker-says-good-looks-got-her-fired. Watch the Fox News story here: http://www.myfoxdc.com/dpp/news/offbeat/woman-claims-she-was-fired-for-being-too-good-looking-060310

 I, Emmett Shane, head an organization called the National Association for the Advancement of Beautiful People. I founded it because, for far too long, attractive people have been oppressed in this society.

Ms. Lorenzana, very few socially acceptable prejudices remain in the western world. (You have probably experienced many of the unacceptable ones due to your Puerto Rican accent, which I find delightfully breathy, by the way). But if there's one identifiable group left that is the target of open bigotry, surely it is people like you and me.

After all, we are virtually shut out of every high-paying profession except politics, cinema, theatre, high finance, fashion, corporate law, criminal law, medicine, professional sports, the sciences, music, and last but not least, television journalism.

     Never mind that the latest research suggests that good-looking people and tall people get a “beauty premium” — an extra 5 percent an hour — while there is a “plainness penalty” of 9 percent in wages. These figures, surely, are skewed and perhaps even the result of a conspiracy of unattractive social scientists.

I even read somewhere recently that intelligence organizations like the CIA and the Canadian Security Intelligence Service(C-SIS)won't hire us as spies because we "are too conspicuous and attract too much attention when undercover." Why, this is nothing but the most vile looksism dressed up as pious concern for national security, and I say we must put a stop to it now.

Now, along about now, many people who know me will wonder what business I have founding an organization like this. After all, they will say, I am a man of at-best average physical charms. Well, Ms. Lorenzana, they say this because they have never seen me in shorts.  

  Here's is a a fact from my past that they don't know. Years ago, I was fired as a shipper-receiver at a Toronto musical supply company for wearing shorts to work. My employers told me that my extremely well-developed, excessively well-proportioned calves were much too distracting for my female and gay male co-workers. They told me I must start wearing long pants forthwith.

  In fact, I remember when I was in the office writing out waybills at my desk, they would often crowd around trying to get a glimpse of my calf muscles. And I could see them pressing their noses against the window when I was in the back loading the cube van.

But Ms. Lorenzana, you have to realize Toronto summers are oppressively hot and humid and doing this kind of heavy physical labour in long pants is impossible. I disobeyed their edict, and was fired for it.

 Never mind that on a call to the home recording studio of Canadian jazz legend Oscar Peterson, I accidentally dropped his beloved Korg organ and damaged it beyond repair. Although that was the stated reason for my dismissal, I am sure it was the shorts. And to this day, I never wear them.

 Ms. Lorenzana, I would very much like you to become the face of the NAABP. I believe you could advance our cause in ways I can't even imagine. In fact, next time you're in Toronto, I'd love to meet you to talk all this over. I know a lovely tapas bar where we could meet, preferably when my wife is out of town.

  Warmest regards,

  Emmett Shane/NAABP President

   P.S., I'll even break my longstanding rule and wear shorts to our meeting to show you what I'm talking about.