21st Century Schizoidman

VOLCANO VENGEANCE: AN ICELANDIC SAGA

  THE VOLCANIC SAGA

  OR

 Iceland Gets Its Revenge

 Here we begin our Saga by telling of a great eruption, so massive it sounded like a belch from the giant maw of Odin, King of the Gods.

  Or perhaps it was like the enormous fart that Thor issued after a feast of mutton and wine at Valhalla. A fart which vanquished evil Loki, blowing him from the heights of Asgard back to the depths of the Otherworld. 

   Anyway, you get the idea. This thing was huge, borne of the great Volcano of the Gods.

 And it did bring us vengeance sweet as a golden cup of mead. Vengeance against the English to the south, and the wretched weaklings who live to the east of that blighted island realm. Stopping their great silver flying dragons from taking to the sky, grinding their economies to a halt as the great plumes of ash cancelled countless package tours to Torremolinos and weekend tourist hops to Paris and Rome. http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/8627720.stm

  See the great blast from the Gods here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f1ztg0wUqKY and read about the damage it has done to the wretches' economies here: http://www.thestar.com/news/world/article/797139--volcano-s-eruption-beginning-to-hurt-europe-s-economy?bn=1

  So, why did the great mountain spew its fire and ash to the heavens far and wide, like a great ejaculation from the aroused member of Thor?

  So it shall be told in this Saga. For it was done of a great spell by the Wizard Hrithgar, Son of Hrathgir, Son of Hruthgur.

  He swore vengeance after the Great Economic Downturn of 2008 swept away all the treasure from the land. That great financial pestilence made fair Iceland all but bankrupt, its banks sinking in a sea of their own debt, its people unable to buy Italian loafers or French wine, or German porno DVD's..

   And what did the cowardly British do? Did they help Iceland with loans? No, they used dastardly anti-terrorism laws to seize the assets of Icelandic banks in Britain: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/7662827.stm

   For this, said the great Wizard, their economy deserves to die, strangled by great gusts of ash from above. And so it was. Iceland may be bankrupt, but thanks to the Volcano of the Gods, so too will be the wretched sons and daughters of Britain.

    Iceland is avenged. Good luck booking a flight out!!!!

  

  

SARAH PALIN: GO ROGUE, CANADA!

        Helllooooo there, doncha know!!!!

  Sarah Palin here. I'm so glad to be here in the 51st state of Canada; the OTHER place I can see from my house way up there in Alaska.

  Thank you so much for this welcome to Hamilton, Ontario, the most beautiful, rusted out. rundown former steel-town I've ever been to to give a speech for a-hunnert-thousand smackers. Read the full transcript here: http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/world/an-intimate-evening-with-sarah-palin/article1537275/

  And hello to all you French-speakin' Canucks out there. Or should I say Buenos Aires ... that bein' Frenchified talk for "howdy." By the way, when are you Frenchies gonna learn to talk American fer cryin' out loud like all the other people do up here? Ha ha, just kiddin ... sorta!!!!

  So, anyway, like I was just sayin' to my hubbie Todd a moment ago, I just love comin' to Canada. I feel right at home here, cuz everybody in the States thinks I'm a crazy ole Canuck anyway, with my accent and all. Never mind that I don't sound like any Canadian you've ever heard, but that's totally besides the point, doncha know. 

  And also never mind that I'm against just about everything your country stands for: single-payer health-care, more tightly-regulated banks, gun-control. I still feel Canadian and you know why? Cuz where I come from it's cold, and there's moose and Eskimos, and sled dogs and all that kinda stuff.

 And oh yeah, there's also oil, just like back home. Don't ferget that. Lotsa oil in them thar tar sands oot Alberta way that we wanna get our hands on, no matter how dirty and toxic it might be. Better to wreck the environment and kill a buncha birds than buy our oil from that Cesar Chavez of Valenzuela, or whatever they call that place. Heck, I get so mixed up with those Latino places once I get anywhere north of Mexico!

 Cuz you know all this global warming stuff is just hogwash, right? They disproved all that with all those falsified e-mails and such. I mean what does it matter that the vast majority of scientists believe this stuff? What do scientists know?   

  I mean it's still cold here, right, just like it is in Alaska. I don't notice any difference. and besides, wouldn't we Alaskans and Canadians secretly like it to get a teensy-weensy bit warmer anyway? Brrr!!!!

  Fact is, scientists don't know squat about anything. They can't hold a candle to all that every- day, straight-shootin', just-plain-folks wisdom like I hear from those Tea Partiers I hang out with. Wisdom like "Obama is the Anti-Christ" and stuff like that.

Now, let me tell ya, those folks are a hoot. No way they're racist. No sirreee!!! They were just kiddin' when they called those lawmakers niggers and queers a few weeks back. Heck, they were just havin' themselves a little fun!! Why do Barack Hussein Obama and all his woolly-headed socialist hordes have to be so gaul-derned serious all the time!!!???? Where's everybody's sense of humour? Look at all the good clean fun they're having here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S38VioxnBaI

    Next thing ya know, my buddy Barack'll be outlawing telling jokes, just like he's gonna be killin' our grandmas with those health-care death panels of his!! You betcha!

Anyway, in closing I'm gonna quote Plato ... sort of. He was British, right? Well, anyway, a few hundred years ago he said something that roughly translated goes like this: Be nice, cuz ya never know who's gonna stick a moose-antler up yer ass when yer not lookin'.

 Now, maybe you don't know what that means, but that doesn't matter cuz nothing else I say makes any sense, either! Just pray to God that I win the White House in 2012, cuz you know he's on my side and no-one else's.

 Good night, Hamilton. And God bless.

NOTE: The phenomenon that is Sarah Palin is just another example of post-modern life making satire redundant. I strongly suggest you read the full transcript of her speech in Hamilton I've linked to above .. that is, if you can stand it. When you do, you'll see I've exaggerated somewhat for effect, but not by much.

DER POPE: SATANIC MAJESTY RECONSIDERED

   

Vell, hello und bless you, everyvun!

   It's time for der Pope's veekly record review. Now, you vill recall last veek I told you dat der Beatles really weren't zo bad, after all. I don't zink Johan, Paul, Georg, und Ringo were really satanic ... just four good British lads having a good time! See the New York Times artikal here: http://www.nytimes.com/2010/04/13/arts/music/13arts-VATICANGETSA_BRF.html? scp=2&sq=Vatican%20Beatles&st=cse

    Some critics say I did it to deflect attention away from the pedophile schkandal that's gripping der Church right now, but let me tell you, dat is nonsense. Schkandal, schmandal!!!!
   

I mean, der Holy Father just wants to set der record straight. Let's face it, mein Schafherde, der Beatles really vere bigger dan Jesus!!!  Yes, der Zaviour turned der vater into der vine und did some impressive stuff mit der loaves und der fishes. But I ask you, could he have written dat brilliant middle eight in A Day In Der Life? Your Pope doesn't think zo!!!!

   But dis week, I vant to talk about another contemporary muzic group. Der Rolling Steins ... er, Stones. Und just to show you all how hip und up-to-der-minute und "mit-it" your Pope is, I am going to review one of deir most recent albums: Deir Satanic Majesties Reqvest.

   Now, I know der title's a little, zhall ve say, provocative, but I don't hold dat against Mick und der boys. After all, it's all part of der image. After all, ya gotta sell records, right? Just don't put der word "Satan" in another album title, boys, or I'll have to tell all good Catholics not to buy it!!

   Now, many critics say dis is vhere Mick und der boys took a wrong turn away from der rhythm-und-bluez oriented stuff dat made dem famous, und veered into drug-influenced psychedelia. In fact, many accuse der Stones of just trying to copy der Beatles Zergeant Pepper album. But I gotta tell you, it's my favourite Stones record of all time!

    You can't argue mit Sing Dis All Together, Citadel, und Lantern Light as signature Stones tracks. You can hear Mick's voice maturing, und Keith shows he's always got a good ear for all dem guitar riffs. Und you know, many people like to diss Bill und Charlie, but as far as der Pope is concerned dey are the best rock n'roll rhythm zection of all time.

Und dis is a good time to show some appreciation for Brian Jones. He may have had to take a back seat to Mick und Keith in der song-writing department, but you can hear on dis album what a wunderbar musician he was. Just listen to der mellotron bit on 2000 Light Years From Home. What do der kids say dese days? Far out!!!

Anyway, watch dis space next week when I return with a movie review. I'll be taking a look at Roman Polanski's Der Ghost Writer. Til then, Auf Wiedersehen!!!

WHAT THE POPE LEARNED

       From the Vatican, news today that Pope Benedict has signed a contract to endorse Nike products. The worldwide sports apparel giant and the Pontiff got together soon after the appearance of the brilliantly edgy ad featuring Tiger Woods and the voice of his dead father.

  Benedict, of course, has been repeatedly rocked by allegations that he looked the other way as Catholic priests sexually abused children(see the latest NY Times story here:http://www.nytimes.com/2010/04/10/world/europe/10pope.html?hp) The Pontiff was reportedly impressed with the redemptive power of the Woods ad, and asked to sign on. Nike, of course, sees it as an opportunity to sell running shoes to the world's 1.1 billion Catholics.   

  Advertising Age has learned the first ad consists of this black and white photo of Benedict looking to heaven. We were also able to get a transcript of the voiceover. The speaker, presumably, is God.

      "Benedict, I know you are the foremost spiritual authority on earth and as such are infallible. But I want to know what your thinking was, what your feelings are, and did you learn anything?" 

 No word yet on when the ad will appear.

WHAT TIGER LEARNED

 By now, we've all seen the infamous Nike ad with the voice of Tiger Woods' dead father asking him what he was thinking, and what he's learned. However, perhaps you've been living naked in a driftwood hut on the west coast of the Aleutian Islands for the past year, eating only seaweed, with only a blind sea-otter for companionship. Maybe, just maybe, you know nothing of the Woods adultery scandal, and haven't seen the ad in question. If so, here it is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5NTRvlrP2NU&feature=player_embedded

 OK, so what was Tiger thinking? And did he learn anything? Here's his answer:

 Dad, you asked me what I was thinking. Well, all I ever wanted was to be just like you, but even bigger and better. I wanted to take what you taught me and be the best golfer in the world. But golf wasn't the only game played with a stick that you were great at. You were also a champion cheater and philanderer. After all, didn't you meet my mom in Thailand while you were still married to your ex-wife? And didn't you step out on mommy like crazy in all the years you were married to her? Well, I'm just proof that the golf ball doesn't fall too far from the flag(or whatever that saying is). And as I outstripped you in golf, I also surpassed you in sex. Look at it this way, Dad. You had the morals of a rutting elephant seal. But I've gone you one better simply by having no morals at all. 

 Dad, I've learned a lot of things from all this, but the biggest thing by far is this: sex may be fleeting, but sexts are forever. Next affair I have, no more sexting - you have my word on that!

  Well, that's about it, Dad. This ad campaign's only just getting started, so I'm sure we'll talk again.

   Sincerely,

   Your son

2010: AN iPAD ODDITY

  It happened just moments after a cool dawn on the African savannah millions of years ago. 

  With the first glint of sunlight, the hominids who'd been hiding from the terrors of the night crept out of the sheltering rocks. Always at this time, their hunger drove away their fear just long enough for them to scuttle out onto the killing plains.

  Yes, it was perilous out there. Death was an all-too common companion on the savannah. But the ape-like creatures had no choice but to leave the safety of their caves. They had to forage for whatever scraps the fearsome predators had left behind in the dark, or starve. 

   Their leader, Moonwatcher, was always vigilant at these moments. Always on the lookout for any danger as his troop waddled down to the stream to drink. And as he scanned the primordial plains, looking for a stalking lion, a skulking hyena, or a marauding leopard, he suddenly saw it. He screeched an alarm, and his companions scampered to his aid, gibbering and howling, their hair standing on end all over their hirsute bodies.  

  What was this great shiny slab that stood thrumming and pulsating before them?  On one side, Moonwatcher saw a crude representation of some sort of fruit with a bite out of it. Ah, he thought, this is an Apple. I love Apples! Could this be a portent of plenty?

    But on the other side, there were many lights and images Moonwatcher and his troop did not understand. Pictures of strange hominids doing fantastic things they'd never dreamed of. These hominids were ugly, fat, and practically hairless, Moonwatcher observed, but this unfathomable object seemed to be making them very happy, indeed.

   Then, suddenly, they saw Him appear on the slab. A handsome, intelligent-looking ape who called himself Jobs. He hooted and gibbered at them in a strange but compelling language about all the things they could do with this new thing he called an iPad. See his speech here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cCevnzsHN20&feature=fvw

But his words were a mystery to them. They had certainly heard of killer apes, but never killer apps. And they wondered why he should want them to browse a web. Spiders were all you found on webs and they were dangerous. Moonwatcher listened and listened, and watched and watched, but the gibbering voice gave him a pain in his massive browridge. Try as the hairy old hominid might, he could not think of a use for the great slab.  

      Still, he had to admit it was an attractive slab. Very well designed. And relatively inexpensive. When Moonwatcher finally got up the courage to touch it, its smooth, shiny surface transfixed him.  I must have this thing, he thought.  I may not know what to do with it now, but I will think of something.

Yes, he would think of something. At a retail price of $599 per unit for the 32GB model, Jobs would make sure of that.