MEMO
From: The Department of Homeland Security
To: President Barack Obama
Subject: Arrest Osidney bin Crosby
Mr. President:
It has come to our attention that the United States of America has a new arch-enemy to deal with. One who has emerged over the past couple of days to challenge American supremacy. We warn you that Osidney bin Crosby and his sinister Team Al-Qaenada network have already done severe damage to this nation's prestige, and will do more if they are not apprehended immediately.
This past Sunday, bin Crosby seared himself into the collective memory of America with an unspeakable deed. His crime: scoring the winning goal for Canada in overtime against Team USA in the Winter Olympic men's hockey gold medal game.
See the dastardly deed and the evil celebration of America's undoing in Vancouver here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kV8g5EqX8gY
Mr. President, Bin Crosby scored this goal knowing that Canada wasn't supposed to win this game. Indeed, everyone in the world knew the US was the "Team of Destiny" in this tournament and could not be denied, after having prevailed over the evil Canadians in an earlier round.. Yet, bin Crosby had the temerity to score, even though NBC was broadcasting the game live to more than 27 million Americans, and at least a billion more viewers overseas. Think of all the money that was lost. The coffee table book. The Miracle On Ice 2 Hollywood movie, starring Brad Pitt as the US coach. All of it lost to one wrist shot that should never have been taken.
How dare he, Mr. President? Bin Crosby must've understood that NBC only broadcasts an Olympic event live when it is absolutely sure America is going to win it. The perfidy of this act becomes clear when you watch the replay, Mr. President, because it is obvious that Team USA's excellent goaltender, Mr. Ryan Miller, was not ready for the shot. Miller clearly was expecting bin Crosby not to shoot because, like all Americans, he thought Canada knew it was supposed to lose, as it always does in all things to America. In fact, you can clearly see him saying "What the fuck did you do that for?" as bin Crosby skated past him arms upraised.
Mr. President, the time has come to act against this criminal, because the American people are demanding it. After the game, the words "I hate Sidney Crosby" constituted one of the top trending topics on twitter. Americans posted comments like this one on blogs:
"...then overtime, and that fucking prick Crosby... damn i hate that guy. i really do. ugh."
And yesterday, a Buffalo radio station reacted to his unsportsmanlike act by refusing to play Canadian rock music. Read story here: http://www.torontosun.com/sports/vancouver2010/hockey/2010/03/01/13073536.html
This angry reaction is understandable, Mr. President. Americans want you to teach Osidney bin Crosby, Team Al-Qaenada, and all Canadians that to be a good ally of America, you must always lose to the United States in everything, including your national sport during an Olympics on your home soil - at least if there's anybody watching.
There's just one possible obstacle to arresting bin Crosby and bringing him to justice, Mr. President. Osama bin Laden hid away in the mountains of Tora Bora. Bin Crosby is hidden away playing NHL hockey in a much less hospitable place: Pittsburgh.
Still, we must teach this un-American criminal that America is land of the free, the home of the brave, and populated by a bunch of sore losers.
Regards,
Janet
