TRANSLATING TIGER

  Hello Ladies and Gentlemen.

  Thank you for giving the opportunity to stand before you today and use all the methods my image consultants have taught me. I come before you trying to look convincingly contrite and penitent. They tell me I'm supposed to look really grave and serious, and trying not to move my head too much while I gaze directly at the camera, otherwise I'll look shifty-eyed - rather like a philandering husband who's lying to his wife about all his affairs.

   See video of Tiger's "apology" here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U6jSHBHRIBM

   Of course, if I can shed a few tears it'll be a bonus, but it won't be absolutely necessary. However, just to be sure, I've brought this onion along with me, in case I feel like I'm tanking up here and the tears might save the day.

   Anyway, onto my apology, which I really hope can save my endorsement deals, and keep people from heckling me on the course whenever I decide to return to the PGA tour. I don't know about you, but I find it really hard to make a decent putt when somebody's calling me a whoremongering sex addict in a really loud voice. It's really murder on my short game, and I implore everyone to find it in their hearts not to do it.

  Oh, shit ... I almost forgot ... I really hope this apology saves my marriage to Elin. (Sorry, I accidentally folded over that part of my cheat sheet. Ha!! Get it? Cheat Sheet!!)  She's really a great girl, even if she's not that great in the sack, and a little boring. But what do you expect? She is Norwegian, after all.

  Still, she is the mother of my children - well, at least some of them, anyway. And by the way, all that stuff about her trying to hit me with that golf club? Not true. She thought she saw a fly on the windshield of my SUV and was trying to swat it before it scratched the finish on the hood. And thank God she's decided not to get a divorce. I really don't want to lose half my stuff!!

    Now, I'm perfectly aware of the questions you want to ask, even though I have no intention of answering any of them. What was I thinking? Why did I have multiple sexual liaisons with so many women?

   Well, it all goes back to my mother's religious instruction when I was a child. You see, mom taught me that in order to attain Nirvana, I must let go of all craving and desire. And I found that having multiple orgasms with as many women as I possibly can, especially ones I'm not married to, was a really good way to do it.  Believe me, once you've done that, you don't have much desire left, except to have a couple of tacos and take a nap. 

   But now, my mother tells me this is a total misinterpretation of the Buddha's teachings. And she's also reminded me Buddha expressly forbids adultery. To that, all I can say is sorry Mom, I'll remember to take better notes in the future. I hope that'll also come in handy when I go back to sex addiction therapy.

   Finally, I'm hoping you can all believe in me again, and I can be the hero I once was to you all. OK, so it is kind of weird that in order to be a hero, all you have to do is be really good at hitting a little white ball into a tin cup. But since it's the only thing I'm really good at, aside from endorsing products, it'll have to do.

   Thank you very much for listening.

Comments

[high speed card]

Tigers photo with his wife look so funny I am very glad about this one It is very very nice post I am very glad to seen this.

[John Keating]

Your PhotoShop skills have really improved! The beat-up Tiger is hilarious. I have a different reaction to the Tiger story than many. It's really nobody's business what he does in his private life, except his wife and those immediately affected. It disturbs me that the mainstream media now thrive on the kind of stuff that used to be the domain of rags like the National Enquirer. It's all part of the dumbing down of Canadian media. We know the name of every celebrity in rehab, but we haven't got a clue how the parliamentary system works. And we've become so damn moralistic. We revel in shaking our heads and tsk-tsking about how the famous have fallen from grace. Celebrity apologies have developed their own predictable rituals to the point that we judge their sincerity on whether they have followed the proper conventions. Oh well. At least it makes for funny blogs.