INTERNATIONAL OLYMPIC COMMITTEE
MEMO
Subject: Unacceptable Length of Winter Olympic Parade of Nations
It has come to our attention that the Parade of Nations portion of last night's opening ceremonies in Vancouver took over an hour to complete, making a generally dull opening ceremonies even duller and losing us valuable TV ratings in the process. We cannot have this, otherwise we will not be able to sell our broadcast rights for the obscene amount of money we've come to expect next time around. If you don't think that's important, think about the austerity measures we'll have to implement. For example, next time, IOC members may have to stay at 4-star hotels rather than 5-star hotels. Unthinkable!!!
After all, NBC stands to lose a cool $200 million on Vancouver and even more on London in 2012, so we cannot afford to be boring. Pace, people, pace. That's what we're looking for!!! Something perhaps the length of Twitter tweet? 140 characters, that's it!!!
So, somehow, we must pare down the number of nations in the Winter Olympic parade. After all, what the hell are Ghana, Mexico, Australia and South Africa doing there, anyway? We thought we'd narrow the field down by only allowing nations with a legitimate shot at a medal to march into the stadium. But now we've got another idea that will work much better. At the next Winter Olympic Games we shall show each national team this picture and ask them what it is.
A. Curling broom
B.Woman's grooming device
C. Windshield scraper
Those who answer C. will get to march in the parade and participate in the games. Those who answer A. will get to participate in the games but not march. Those who answer B. will get driven to the airport and sent home. We trust that will speed things up.
Next time, we might also consider awarding the games to a location here it actually snows during the winter rather than rains, and temperatures sometimes dip below freezing. To those that have criticized us on this point this time around we can only say "Oops!"
However, in the meantime, enjoy the Vancouver games and remember our new motto: Faster, Higher, More Expensive.
Regards,
The IOC
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