Greetings from the Prime Minister
Dear Canadian Voter,
I, Stephen Harper, just wanted to let you know what a wonderful 17 days I've just had out here in Vancouver. Aside from some inclement weather, the odd glitch here and there, and a dead Georgian luger, the 2010 Olympic Winter Games have been a rousing success for Canada. As you've seen, I've had a very enjoyable time taking in many of the events, and watching Canadian athletes do our country proud.
Now, aren't you happy I prorogued that dreary and annoying Parliamentary session? Many critics say I did it to avoid Opposition scrutiny of our policy concerning the handover of Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees to the Afghan government, and the alleged torture of those detainees. Nothing could be further from the truth! No, no. my friends. My sole motivation was to make sure you could watch the stirring spectacle of the Olympics without being distracted by a bunch of boring opposition politicians.
Which brings me to another charge by opposition critics. They claim I used the Olympics as one big political photo-op to boost my party's sagging fortunes in the opinion polls. And that I my main focus was not to cheer on our athletes but to get as many pictures of myself with them on TV, in the papers and on the web. What total bunk!
I can assure you I never ever touched any athletes, unless of course they invited me to. The Canadian women hockey players actually asked me to come celebrate with them, as long as I brought along some stogies, champagne, and of course, beer. I made sure the beer was Molson's of course.I'm perfectly happy if foreign companies want to buy out Canadian firms, but I'll be damned if our underage girl puck-chasers drink anything but Canada's finest brew(even if it is partly owned by Coors!).
As for the men's curling team, I felt I deserved to be on the podium with them, since we'd pumped so much government money into that thing. If our slogan for these Olympics was Own The Podium, then I feel I have every right to stand on it!
But now, it's back to Ottawa and all those pesky, annoying questions day in and day out about Afghanistan, the economy, ministerial outbursts at airports. I know you're all as tired of it as I am.
If I were you, I'd just switch of the TV, download some porn or videogames on the computer, and just ignore the background static that is the daily news cycle for a while. It's all just going to be really boring shit anyway. Instead, just think back to the fine job our young athletes did, and remember it was your Conservative government, which means me, who made it all possible.
Fondest regards,
Steve