Dear Tiger,
Our sincere condolences on your recent troubles. It has come to our attention that your marriage is in trouble, and that you have announced you are taking an indefinite break from the game you love(golf that is, not adultery)in order to save it.
We certainly hope you succeed. But even more importantly, we at the Ashley Madison agency also hope you somehow recoup the hundreds of millions you stand to lose in endorsements. Gillette's announcement today that it won't feature you in its ads for an unspecified amount of time must be a huge blow to Tiger Inc.
That is why we are going to make you an offer. We'd very much like you to become a pitchman for our service. In fact, we want you to come work for us so badly, we've even mocked up a rough sample ad to show you how our campaign would look. You see, as an online dating site for people seeking extra-marital affairs, we believe adultery saves marriages instead of destroying them, as long as people use private, discrete sites such as ours, of course! You could appear in our late night TV ads with a slogan that could go something like "TIGER'S LEARNT HIS LESSON; HE'S TEEING OFF WITH ASHLEY MADISON!"
We're all the more interested in you Tiger, because as you may have heard we sometimes have trouble getting our ads into the public domain. Just recently, Toronto's public transit system turned down an Ashley Madision streetcar wraparound ad, even though we offered to subsidize its fares. What a bunch of prudes!!
Let's face it, Tiger, we all know what this whole issue needs is an honest discussion. After all, isn't this whole thing about sex addiction is a bunch of hooey? What man wouldn't do what you've done if he had your money, fame and looks? And if you do appear on Oprah, burst into tears, and go to some sex addiction clinic somewhere, what's going to happen? You'll be surrounded by sex addicts, of course, many of them attractive young women. It'll be like going to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting in a liquor store.
No, Tiger. We feel this is the honest way to go about things. Why don't you tell the 60 per cent of men and 50 per cent of women who'll have an extra-marital affair sometime in their marriages to go ahead and cheat, but also tell them to use our super-private site. That way no-one will find out and their homes and marriages will be preserved! Indeed, you'll be doing all of America a huge service.
So, have a look at our proposal. We may not be able to match what Gillette is paying you, but at least we can assure your privacy on our site. Hope to hear from you soon.
Sincerely,
Noel Biderman, Ashley Madison CEO
P.S. - Maybe you can help me out with my short game.
Comments