COPENHAGEN SUMMIT ON CLIMATE CHANGE 2059
OPENING REMARKS FROM THE DANISH PRIME MINISTER
Hello and welcome to the Copenhagen Climate Change Summit of 2059.
We hope you're enjoying this balmy Copenhagen December day. It's a bit chilly at 22 Degrees Celsius, but certainly bearable. Awfully sorry for those of you who went down to our harbour to see The Little Mermaid, only to find it completely underwater, but as we all know, global warming does have its downside. That, my friends, is why we are all here.
Now, onto the business at hand. Most of the countries who were signatories to the Copenhagen Climate Change Treaty of 2009 are represented here, but there are several who are not.
Mauritius and Bangla Desh both disappeared under the waves a decade ago, making it awfully difficult for them to send delegations. Australia fell victim to total desertification, forcing all its inhabitants to emigrate to New Zealand.
The United States is now a wasteland with New York almost completely submerged into the Atlantic while Los Angeles, San Francisco, Portland and Seattle have been swamped by the Pacific. The interior of the country has been completely taken over by Republicans and radical Christian survivalists who continue to deny that climate change is the result of an excess of human-generated carbon in the atmosphere. Instead, they believe God swept away the coastal cities because they were populated by sexual deviants, drug addicts, and Democrats. So, needless to say, President Bristol Palin has refused to send a delegation. Indeed, she is too busy dealing with the scandal surrounding her son posing nude in Playgirl.
Canada has been dealing with a massive influx of American refugees over the past decade or so. Its population has suddenly ballooned to 300 million from just 33 million a few decades ago. Its arctic icecap has melted, its polar bear population has gone extinct, and its supply of fresh water is running out. But on the other hand, the economy is booming what with all the year-round shipping traffic in the Northwest Passage, and sales of oil-sands petroleum to China.
So, the minority Conservative government of Benjamin Harper(son of former prime minister Stephen Harper)has refused to send any representatives, because his country has benefitted so greatly from climate change. Canada has, however, sent us all a lovely tourist brochure touting Toronto, Montreal and Ottawa as lovely tropical tourist destinations this time of year, so be sure and have a look at that and book a trip if you like. I can tell you I was at a conference in Toronto last January and the palm trees lining Front Street are absolutely magnificent! You really must go!
Now, I feel it's important that I address something that always comes up just before these conferences. Last week, there was yet another set of leaked e-mails purporting to show that climate scientists are cooking the data and overstating the impact of climate change. Delegates, these distractions have pretty much derailed every climate change conference since 2009, and you would think the media would be on to this by now, but I guess they are not. So, with the Saudis and the other OPEC countries citing these e-mails as an excuse not to show up again this year, I guess we will have to settle for another agreement calling for further study, and delaying the setting of emissions targets yet again.
Anyhow, I wish I could tell you to enjoy the Norwegian salmon we had for you last time, but Norwegian salmon officially went extinct last year, along with just about every other species of fish. But dont worry, dinner will be absolutely delicious. You will be totally surprised how exciting a meal made entirely from several species of algae can be!
I now declare the Copenhagen Climate Change Conference of 2059 open!
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