Now that Christmas Day has come and gone in Canada, the ongoing battle for political power has resumed i on Parliament Hill in Ottawa. 21st Century Schizoidman has uncovered some intriguing memos about a potential new leader for the opposition Liberals, and the reaction from Conservative strategists. As you will see, the holiday season may be almost over, but the jolly old elf at the centre of it all may be spending more time in Canada than usual.
MEMO 1
To: The Liberal Party of Canada Board of Directors
Re: A New Party Leader for 2010
Dear Directors:
Over the past several months the people of Canada have been increasingly unhappy with the performance of our party, and that message has come through loud and clear in our relentlessly negative polling numbers. In addition, the approval rating for our leader, Michael Ignatieff, has declined steadily. Moreover, our polling data suggest the Conservatives are not only consolidating their core support but adding to it, and could be within striking distance of a parliamentary majority if an election were held now.
My friends, I don't have to tell you how grave this situation is. So, the question is: what do we do to prevent this worrisome trend from continuing in 2010? Many Liberals say we must stop the infighting, declare our loyalty to Mr. Ignatieff, work hard to develop a positive policy agenda, and clearly explain our ideas to Canadians. Only then, they declare, will we demonstrate to the country that we are ready to be trusted with power again.
That, my friends, is nothing but hogwash. Why? Because it's simply not the Liberal way of doing things. Like last year, these are desperate times that require desperate measures. And remember what we did last year? We stabbed our leader in the back, deposed him, and without the benefit of a leadership convention, we replaced him with someone we thought might be a winner. So, in keeping with Liberal tradition, I propose we do exactly the same thing this year.
Indeed, we must thank Mr. Ignatieff for his year or so of honest hard work, then show him the door without further ado. Then, we must replace him with the only man who can win us the next election. And that man is: Santa Claus.
Let's go through the pros of drafting Claus as our leader:
1. Unlike Mr. Ignatieff, Claus has got excellent name recognition, especially at this time of year. And if we can defeat the budget and force an election in February or March, chances are enough Canadians might actually still remember him from the fine work he does in December.
2. Unlike Mr. Ignatieff, he can re-unite our party. Left-wing Liberals will appreciate his ability to redistribute wealth, spreading joy to all the children of the world whether they are rich or poor. Right-wing Liberals will appreciate his entrepreneurial ability to run a tight, efficient manufacturing and distribution network without any government subsidies, delivering his payload of toys all in one night. Environmentally minded Liberals will appreciate his ability to do this in a vehicle that uses clean, alternative energy.
3. Unlike Mr. Ignatieff, he has no body of published work that can come back to haunt him. He has never come out in favour of an unpopular war or advocated co-ercive interrogation techniques against terrorism suspects.
4. He always wears the official Liberal colours: red and white.
5. His jolly disposition stands in marked contrast to the grumpy, sour image of Prime Minister Harper.
I believe Claus is our only choice if we want to reverse our shocking slide in recent months, and avoid the hard, messy work of actually coming up with new policies. Now that Christmas has passed, and Claus has some vacation time coming to him, we should send a delegation forthwith to the North Pole and propose that he lead our party back to where it belongs: a majority government in Ottawa!
Sincerely,
A Disgruntled Party Member
MEMO 2
To: The Conservative Party of Canada National Council
Re: Attacking Santa Claus
Dear Council Members,
It has come to the attention of the campaign war room that the Liberals are thinking of drafting Santa Claus as their leader in advance of the 2010 parliamentary session. Many Conservative Party members have expressed deep concern about this, citing his overwhelmingly positive public image. But we believe Claus is vulnerable on a number of fronts and we are proposing an ad campaign featuring an all-out attack if he becomes leader.
Here are the areas we feel we can exploit.
1. We have heard Claus is applying for Canadian citizenship, but plans to continue living at the North Pole. If so, we can attack him for being an expatriate who lives and works outside the country. If it worked against Ignatieff, it can certainly work against Claus. There is a caveat, however. If Canada wins its claim to a portion of the Lomonosov Ridge under the Arctic Ocean, and declares the North Pole as part of its internal waters, that could mean Claus actually does live within our borders. We strongly advise the government to hold off on this territorial claim until after the next election, so we can proceed with an attack ad using the Just Visiting theme that has worked so well against Ignatieff..
2.Claus claims to know when you are awake and when you are asleep, and knows when you are both naughty and nice, checking a list not once, but twice. We believe we can successfully portray him as a potential totalitarian whose main objective is to invade the privacy of hard-working Canadians and take away their freedom. Our polling data suggest that will resonate strongly with many voters who feel governments have encroached on their lives to an unacceptable degree.
3. Over the past few years, we have made great inroads into immigrant communities. We can certainly win votes by portraying Claus as a white, religious zealot who means to impose the celebration of Christmas on non-Christian Canadians.
4. Claus is significantly overweight and is known for consuming a diet made up almost exclusively of cookies, and milk. He has also been known in the past to endorse Coca-Cola. Moreover, he smokes a corncob pipe almost incessantly. We can make gains among parents by pointing out that Claus is an atrocious role model for their children.
5. We can also consolidate our core vote by planting stories in the media that Claus is excessively generous to his elves, and has even allowed them to unionize. We could point out that in a time of austerity he might add these elves to the public service payroll, thereby adding to the already onerous burden taxpayers must carry.
In closing, we feel confident we can accomplish with Claus what we were able to achieve in our campaigns against Dion and Ignatieff. By the time we are finished with him, no right-thinking Canadian will want to have anything to do with Claus, especially not at the ballot box.
Sincerely,
The Conservative War Room
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