21st Century Schizoidman

MASS MURDERER MAKEOVER

    Hello, everybody, I'm Stacy London, and welcome to America's favourite reality show, Mass Murderer Makeover! 

  London: This week's guest has just found out, along with the rest of America, that he'll soon face trial in a civilian court, possibly right here in the heart in New York City.  Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, what crime are you accused of?

    Mohammed: Well, I'm charged with masterminding the attacks of 9/11, killing at least three thousand people. They also waterboarded me until I confessed to a role in the beheading of American journalist Daniel Pearl in Pakistan. I swear .. I never heard of the guy ...!

   London: Oooooh, Khalid. Those are very serious charges!

     Mohammed: You're damned right they're serious charges. Praise Allah, I could fry for this!

    London: And do you think you have any chance of beating this rap with that unkempt haircut, that stubble,  that flabby body ... not to mention that profusion of coarse, dark hair all over your back and shoulders, accentuated by that unfashionable t-shirt?

    Mohammed: Not in this town, I don't! Stacy .. please help me!

 London: Yes, Khalid. Right now, the only jury that would acquit you would have to be made up of 12 overweight, hirsute men who never get their backs waxed.  And even though it's supposed to be a jury of your peers, I don't think the prosecution is going to stand for it. But, even though it may not seem like it, I think there's hope for you yet. Our crack team of legal image consultants will take care of you and make you a new mass murderer!

MONTAGE WITH VOICEOVER : It took a trip to the hair stylist, six months of 5-hour-a-day workouts in the gym, and thousands of dollars worth of depilatories ... but eventually Mass Murderer Makeover whipped our friend Khalid into shape.  Now, back to the studio.

      London:  OK, let's see what our guest looks like now. Khalid, come on out! (applause)  Wow, look what our team of artists has been able to accomplish. Look at that chiselled body, that smouldering look of passionate sensuality. Why, I think if the jury's made up of six heterosexual women and six gay male fashion designers, you're a lock to beat this rap, Khalid!

   Mohammed: I think you're right, Stacy. And when I walk out of that court-room a free man, I'm heading right into a career as a male model!

   London: That's just great, Khalid. That's our show for tonight. Tune in again next week for another edition of Mass Murderer Makeover, when our guest will be .. Dick Cheney!

PICTURES OF STEVE: SEEING IS BELIEVING

     Memo: To Staff

  From: Stephen Harper, Prime Minister of Canada 

  Re: Managing My Image  

 Critics have been accusing us of going way too far in managing how Canadians see me these days. Don't listen to any of this bunk. In fact, keep the publicity photos coming! After all, with an election just around the corner, I've been anxious to show myself in as many "prime ministerial" poses as possible. I particularly like this photo showing me conferring with the commanding officer on the deck of a Canadian Navy submarine.

  Now, don't I look like a serious, tough-minded leader getting down to the nitty-gritty of defending Canada's coastlines? Of course, at that moment I was actually just asking where the crew keeps the Gravol, but that's beside the point. Always remember, it's image that counts here, not substance.

    And I also like this one, boys. A photo showing that not only can I hobnob with the international elite, I can also comfortably rub shoulders with good old salt-of-the-earth Canucks at the local donut shop. (What's this one called? Jim Morton's, or something like that?) 

Never mind the fact that I'm not really smiling in this photo. I'm actually gritting my teeth, hoping no-one asks me to drink the coffee or actually speak to any of these bozos. Thank God my RCMP detail whisked me away from there before the flash faded.  But again, reality isn't what counts here, guys. In politics, perception is everything. And judging by the polls, it seems to be working.

 But you guys you aren't all-powerful. Just remember you are capable of making mistakes. In fact, here are a couple of publicity stills I'm hoping the public doesn't get to see. What the hell were you guys thinking putting me in a gay fashion show, anyway!!?? Yes, yes, I know I like to polish my credentials as a transplanted Albertan by dressing in western duds from time to time, but don't you guys think this is going a little too far? (I must say, though, we do make a cute pair, doncha think?)

  Then, there's this disastrous photo-op!! When you guys told me I was going to meet a rich Saudi benefactor who wanted to contribute funds to our election war chest, I had no idea which rich Saudi you were talking about!

  Unfortunately, I didn't recognize the guy until it was too late. And by the time I could alert C-SIS, they kept saying "Osama bin-who?" And then, he was gone.

  Let's make sure we don't fuck up like this again. But otherwise, keep up the good work.

  Warmest regards,

   Steve

CHARLES: THE TAMPON PRINCE

      Times certainly have changed in this peaceable kingdom we call Canada. Time was, a royal visit was an occasion for pomp, circumstance, and huge fawning crowds practically pissing themselves with joy wherever the Royals in question went(except Quebec, of course, where they sometimes threw bottles). But for many Canadians, the arrival of Prince Charles and Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, this week has been about as welcome as a severe bout of swine flu. Crowds have been modest, even in relatively Royal-friendly Newfoundland. In fact, about the only thing the visit has sparked is a debate about the British monarchy's future in Canada. Read the Canadian Press story here: http://www.google.com/hostednews/canadianpress/article/ALeqM5gLG4DabUbqsxfVGAwBwebK5_dbIA   And, the visit has also re-ignited a bit of a pissing match on twitter about who really is Canada's head of state - The Queen or, Canada's charismatic Governor-General, Michaelle Jean.   

QueenLizII  I am Canada's head of state.(3 days ago on tweetdeck)

GGMichaelleJean Mais non! I'M Canada's chef d'etat!! (2 days ago on twitterberry)

QueenLizII I must beg to differ, Ms. Jean. I'M Canada's head of state. (23 hours ago on the web)

GGMichaelleJean  Avec great respect, Your Majesty. I'M Canada's head of state! (18 hours ago on twitterberry)

QueenLizII Now listen here, you little Haitian trollope! I'M bloody-well Canada's head of state! (17 hours ago on the web)

GGMichaelleJean Girlfriend ... Michaelle's getting tres pissed off now! I'M Canada's head of state!!! (15 hours ago on twitterberry)

QueenLizII OK ... now you've got your majesty really steamed! Next time I come to that godforsaken ice-floe of a country, I'm ... (12 hours ago on tweetdeck)

GGMichaelleJean What're you going to do to me? Run into me with your walker? (10 hours ago on twitterberry)

PrinceCharles I say! As your future head of state, I'd like to tell you what a jolly good welcome Canada's given Camilla and me! (8 hours ago on twitphone)

PrinceCharles ... and Ms. Jean! I wish I were a tampon, so I could insert myself into your loveliness!! (8 hours ago on twitphone)

QueenLizII Ugh!! Again with the tampons! Charles, do shut up!! Ms. Jean ... you win. YOU'RE Canada's head of state. (7 hours ago on the web)

GGMichaelleJean OK, everyone. From now on, you may address me as Your Hotness. (6 hours ago on twitterberry)

MPRubyDhalla Hey, wait a minute!!! That's my title! I'm the hottest woman in Canada!(5 hours ago on the web)

GGMichaelleJean Oh, go mistreat a nanny! I'm the hottest woman in Canada!(4 hours ago on twitterberry)

MPRubyDhalla No! I"M the hottest woman in Canada!(3 hours ago on the web)

 

QueenLizII This certainly isn't the Canada I remember (2 hours ago on tweetdeck)

PrinceCharles Too right, Momsy!! The hottest woman in Canada used to be you!! Tampon, anyone? (1 hour ago on twitphone)

LIBERALS SMART, CONSERVATIVES STOOPID

    Anybody familiar with this blog knows that in the past, I have posed the question "Are conservatives crazy?" Well, I believe I've finally found the answer. It goes like this:

   "No, they're not necessarily crazy, but they ARE stupid. At least they're more stupid than liberals."

    Don't believe me? Well, don't take my word for it. Read the latest research by Professor Lazar Stankov, a visiting professor at Singapore's National Institute of Education(that is if you can stand to wade through all of Stankov's dense academic prose.):http://www.scribd.com/doc/15893285/Conservatism-and-cognitive-ability

Now, of course, we liberals all know Dr. Stankov's results aren't exactly surprising. Indeed, it's something so obvious and self-evident, we've actually known all along that conservatives - especially social conservatives - are all mouth-breathing imbeciles. But what a relief it is to finally have a world-renowned scientist confirm it for us!

And if Dr. Stankov's research isn't enough to convince you, then look at this evolutionary chart I've uncovered:

Now, surely, if this doesn't convince you of the the inherent superiority of liberals and their system of values then nothing will. Note especially the pronounced threat posture of Nixonpithecus Republicanensis and the somewhat stunned expression on the face of Bushanthropus Semi-Erectus. Next in line is that peculiarly dim-witted Canadian fossil known as Harperanderthal Man. Of course, the human line finally ends with the fully erect, noble visage of Obamnon Man. Why, even in his primitive state of nature you can see him devising teachable moments for all humanity.

  (For those of you inclined to be critical of my skill with PhotoShop Elements ... Screw off! I am still learning the software!!!)